A response to an article about Independence, Intelligence, and Love

Read THIS article. Go on, click on the word “THIS” back there and read it. My post will be here when you return.

I’ve read it. Several times. And below is what happened when I sat in front of my keyboard and read it three more times.

“Love is much simpler when you’re young.”

Love is not simpler when you’re young. Love is love no matter who you are at whatever age you may feel it. My life was simpler when I was young, and I’m more complex now in my thirties, but that’s because I’ve made years of choices that culminate into a man that gets out of bed (at some point) every day. Love doesn’t change. What compelled me and intrigued me in a partner has changed over the years, but love is still love.

“More wisdom and experience should make it easier to find love.”

This implies that love is a specific item, object, or attainable and tangible like an apple, a car, or a gold medal. Saying that achieving a higher level of wisdom and gaining experience “should make it easier” says to me that this is something that you can practice at before you get there like you can rehearse a play or spar with a partner in the dojo, or run drills and sprints in the gym.

Now, if you said that as you love when you’re younger, it helps you define how you love and what you want and need in love as you get older, then I’d buy in to that line of thinking. But that doesn’t seem like the thought process you’re moving along.

I will agree that loving involves a decision on my part, and I’ll expand on that by saying that loving requires an infinite quantity of decisions. Loving isn’t a video game, it isn’t a game with a clock that runs out, it’s a river that flows into a waterfall that pools at the lake. It’s the clouds that rain down and splash down your cheeks and onto the ground to nourish the Earth. It’s everywhere and simultaneously it can be absent.

Love doesn’t lose magical qualities. How you love does. The effort you put into loving someone does. It isn’t the love that fades. Because love is something to be shared. Love is something that grows and breathes and evolves. It becomes stronger, it gets tested and beaten, and sometimes it’s left alone to die out like a fire, and other times it never loses its bellows and it burns day and night with the contributions of those sharing this journey.

Because that’s a more accurate identifier for love: a journey. It is not a finite thing. Love is an ongoing journey that is shared, and it is present as long as the parties involved are present in it. Whether it is in a romantic relationship between two partners, or a platonic love between friends or siblings, or even a love you have for your pets. Don’t tell me you can’t love your dog because he isn’t as intelligent as you.

“Independence – more than intelligence – ruins our relationships.”

This is probably one of the boldest statements in the article, because you’re assuming that relationships are all the same or are expected to perform at a certain level that you, yourself, are knowledgeable of. And you’re also admitting that compromise is not present in these relationships, and that those who are more intelligent (and I assume you mean both in book smarts and life experience) ask fewer questions because they “know more.”

Actually, after this statement in the article, I’m no longer going to refer back to statements from it. And yes, I’ve read it several times. I’m reading it again as I write this, and each time I read it, it infuriates me even more, because somewhere, this piece of internet philosophy is enabling someone who thinks they’re too good or too smart or too whatever and THAT is why they’re still single.

Put simply…go fuck yourself, you arrogant, know-it-all, pigeonholing motherfucker.

Love and relationships are NOT about hitting certain milestones and hopping from one stone to another in the same river that everyone is crossing at the same place. Maybe it is in some cultures, maybe in many of them. But I consider myself to be a functionally intelligent person, and I ask a shit-ton of questions. And so I ask this one: Who is telling you to live your life a certain way?

I understand there are still nations and cultures that have arranged marriages, cultural traditions, and I respect them. I don’t try to change them, because I’m not a part of them. But who is truly telling you to live your life? Did you go to college because mom and dad want you to or because you want to? Did you join the military because mom, and dad, and grandpa, and great grandma are all veterans, or because you want to? Do you get married after your graduating from college that you didn’t want to go to because that’s what you’re supposed to do, or because you met someone you want to take a leap of faith with? Are you living your life to make your parents proud? To spite someone else? Because you’ve “wasted” so much time and you “might as well” take a leap and sign some papers together?

Because that has nothing to do with independence or intelligence or love or anything besides fear of living your own life and doing what makes you happy. So why don’t you ask yourself THAT question: What do you want?

Being independent doesn’t make it harder to find love. And being in love doesn’t mean you have to give up your independence. Because, oh wait, when you share a love with someone, you probably will be communicating openly and honestly with them. You probably will be doing things that you do alone and things that you share together. Being independent doesn’t mean being alone. Being independent means you know you can maintain alone. But being in love means you want to create something with someone that you cannot create and experience as an individual.

Then there’s THIS blog, about toothbrushes, and individuality, and pairs, and singles…and it was written shortly after divorce was brought up in this household.

So you want to tell me that being intelligent or independent makes it harder to find love? Go ahead, I listened and read what you got. But like you said at the end, we need to find it ourselves, and I’m not here to tell anyone else how to love. I’m here telling people how I love, as ME. And I share what has helped me, and what I learn about myself. If that broadens a perspective or shines a light or answers (or raises) some questions, then great. That’s exactly why I share what I write.

So yeah. I consider myself intelligent. And I’m an independent writer. But I love. Goddammit, do I love. And I always will. And I will always learn from it and in it. But that doesn’t make me any less independent or intelligent. That makes me, me.

What’s interesting is that I read this article just earlier today, and last night I wrote a blog about relationships. Read my last post HERE.


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