E = MC2

Einstein has nothing to do with my divorce. Nor does energy, mass, or the speed of light squared. This famous equation, however, does illustrate something I’ve learned about how I love, how I look at relationships, and where I may have started my own relationships’ surprise sinkhole.

“Meet me halfway,” as the saying goes. But to me, that just sounds like two people putting in half-ass efforts for something that deserves and requires a full-throttle approach. I’m an All In type of person, in work and in love, but in the latter, it is beginning to appear as if it is one of my greatest downfalls. I go all in so much that my partner ends up not having to put that much effort into anything. I bring everything right up to her doorstep. But when I falter, and need my partner to come to me, she doesn’t, I think mostly because she doesn’t recognize that I need her to help me since she’s so used to me being so energetic and strong-willed.

I’ve thought of how simple it sounds to be loved in the way I love, but if I’m all in, 105% percent (because 110% is impossible), then where is there room for her to come after me and love me in her own way? (2500 points if you get the 105% reference.) As you can tell, I’m not a big fan of the halfway, 50/50 mentality.

And as I was having dinner with some friends a few weeks ago, my friend Kayleigh shared her disgust for the halfway concept and promptly shared her understanding as 100/100. As quickly as I agreed with her, I realized that practice has actually been absent from every relationship in my past (hence, why those relationships are in the past).

Endurance = Matched Compromise for 2

I stopped keeping track of relationships I felt taken for granted in (not granite, thank you very much), and through seeing that cycle I chose to acknowledge that I could definitely affect a change (as opposed to flat out blaming myself which doesn’t offer any growth or learning). If I’m to be matched in a 100/100 relationship, knowing that I’m an all in type person, perhaps I’m not giving 100%. I think I am. But I’m just barreling forward without fully realizing that part of me is still stuck in the 50/50 mentality.

What I’m saying is that I need to learn more about myself and make sure that I’m 100% with myself alone, without the need of a partner or crutch. I need to be me, single, at least for a while, to rebuild myself. This will allow me to clearly see where I am strong and where I can grow before I fill the crevices with what I’m confusing to be a fulfilling love.

I’ve never truly enjoyed being single. I don’t like being alone. But when I think about it, living by myself or being without a girlfriend doesn’t mean I’m alone. Not at all. Because if it did, I’m basing my own life on my relationship status. And that isn’t healthy for anyone. I’m more than a relationship status. I’m more than my job. I’m more than a guy with a divorce.

For starters, I’m a writer. And I don’t need a relationship to tell me I can do that. I know I can. And I love it. So I’m going to keep doing it.

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